Ok it’s story time, because like so many birth workers, my why begins with my own birth experience.
In 2016 I became pregnant with my son. Pretty quickly I knew I wanted to give birth at our local birth center in Albuquerque, NM. I enjoyed having check ups by the midwives and taking the in-depth childbirth class they offered there. I was feeling ready. I had learned so much, read books, eaten well, stayed active, and overall felt great. My pregnancy was pretty uneventful for most of the time. Until the end. Around week 35 they started to take note that baby (we didn’t know the gender at the time) was measuring small. To be safe they had me go in for an ultrasound, something you didn’t get many of while in their midwifery care. Indeed baby was measuring small. I was told not to worry (kinda hard) but just go in every week for a follow up ultrasound so they could see how baby was progressing. At week 37 they sat us down and told us they suspected baby was Intrauterine Growth Restricted (IUGR) and mentioned a possible hospital induction. At my next weekly ultrasound they would make the final call I was told, but to ultimately expect to be induced. Well there went my plan! I quickly learned my lesson right there that birth plans can change.
Stressed and worrying about my baby, I remember making it through the next few days in a fog. I was still going to work, but not functioning well. At the time I was the photo editor at the Albuquerque Journal, New Mexico’s largest newspaper. I was trying to get future things lined up for the photo staff as my maternity leave looked like it would be starting sooner than I expected.
Sunday evening I went to dance practice (I was part of a dance team at the time), ate some accidentally way too spicy food (thanks hubs), and stayed up late nesting or something and went to get ready for bed. At this point my water breaks, all over the bathroom floor. I yell to my husband who was working on finishing up his dissertation and had headphones on to concentrate. He didn’t hear me. I waddled, dripping, out to him, waved my arms so he’d notice me, and told him my water just broke. Oh how I wish I had a photo of his face.
We called the midwife, I was 37+4 at this point, unsure what this now meant for the latest version of their plan. Did this mean I could give birth at the birth center or not? Being around midnight she didn’t have that answer yet as my contractions hadn’t started. So I took her advice and went to sleep.
Between contractions waiting at the birth center for them to decide where I was going to deliver.
I woke up to contractions, but nothing too strong yet, it was still early labor. Somehow we got my step-daughter to school that morning, I don’t remember how. The midwife told us to come into the birth center to be checked to make sure my water broke. This is funny now that I have heard many stories and learned about all the ways membranes can rupture. Sometimes it’s a gush and you know, sometimes it’s a trickle and you think, oh maybe I peed myself, and sometimes it doesn’t happen at all! I remember sitting there at the birth center in early labor thinking to myself, I know my water broke, I want to know where I’m having this baby and feeling very frustrated that I wasn’t getting an answer very quickly as my contractions started to build. The ONLY photo I have of me in labor is from this part of my birth story.
They decided to transfer me to the hospital where they could monitor baby more closely, and finally my contractions really started picking up while on the drive there. A doula assigned to us last minute met us at the hospital. At the time, our birth center provided a doula if you had a hospital transfer. It was something I had been considering but was very grateful for in the end and ultimately became a huge part of why I wanted to become a doula too.
My labor from that point on was, and still is, a fog. I remember bits and pieces. I was heavy into my own labor-land. I remember standing, swaying, and I remember pushing. Because I had wanted a birth center birth the doctor knew I preferred to try for a natural birth and with no more major complications arising that’s exactly what ended up happening. With a room full of students, because at some point during labor I had consented to allowing residents to watch, I gave birth to my son.
Anyone who has given birth will remember those first moments. Meeting your baby for the first time is so incredibly profound of a moment no matter what it took to get them in your arms. Luckily I think our doula asked if we had brought a camera. Yes, I had packed my professional camera because I thought I was going to document the birth myself. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Obviously that didn’t happen, but I did pack a camera thankfully.
She took a few photos immediately after birth, a handful, and one of my placenta that I requested. And that was it. I didn’t get to pick up my camera or have any more photos of those moments until I was in recovery and up and moving around myself.
While there’s more to the postpartum part of my birth story, I can pause right here to say I wish I had more photos from my entire birth. Experiencing labor, having been so stressed out by the possible IUGR diagnosis, making it through the entire experience all the way to the other side, I look back and know my memories of my birth story would be stronger, and mean more to me if it had been documented. And second, I wish I had more one on one support from a doula before labor as well. Specifically in that time of not knowing where I was going to be giving birth due to the IUGR diagnosis.
I know my husband supported me through labor, but I can’t recall it very much, which still saddens me. I remember feeling empowered after giving birth but not really being able to appreciate the beauty that was the birth experience. Instead I only felt like I had survived it. The first few postpartum months were extremely hard. I was still constantly worrying if my son was okay because he was always on the small end of the growth curve. I do believe if I had been given the chance to see my birth story through photos it would have helped the healing process of so much worrying before and during birth and possibly given me some relief from the anxious state I was in postpartum.
I was so extremely thankful for our doula, who we met last minute after arriving at the hospital. She worked her magic in keeping my birth space intervention free as I had requested and left me feeling reassured everything was going to be ok even though things had started out so up in the air. In the days to follow she also came by to check in and gifted me a written detailed timeline of my birth. Since I didn’t have photos to see my labor and delivery (I’m a very visual person), this timeline is my only way for me to remember what actually happened that day. That timeline still means so much to me and I make sure to deliver one to each of my doula clients as well. So if you see me taking notes during your birth you’ll know why!
My son, who’s now 5, loves looking back at baby pictures of himself and the few from his birth. He gets it. He sees his tiny self. As he grows older I know how important it will be for him to not only see himself, but also see both me and my husband in those photos on the very first day we met him.
Pretty soon after my own birth I knew I wanted to document births so that other birthing people could see and experience their own birth stories. Up to that time of my life I had documented so many different stages of life as a photojournalist, but there was something different about birth and how the power of photography gifts you the ability to not only see and feel, but also heal in different ways. It becomes a gift to yourself and your baby.
Birth photography is powerful. It not only documents a day that will inevitably leave you extremely emotional, but it also documents the final journey to meeting the newest love of your life. We never know what that journey may look like. I treasure the few photos I have of the birth of my son and yet I wish there were more so I could see what exactly took place during those hours that still remain so foggy. Seeing the labor and birth through photographs would have been a completely different experience. So now I hope to be able to create that experience for others.
Having the very best support lined up before, during, and after birth is quite possibly the best advice I could ever give about birth in general. I felt some of that support through my spouse, our last minute doula, and our friends afterwards. Could there have been more? Yes. I’ve always been someone who is always (overly) prepared, and yet I still wasn’t completely prepared. This is one of the reasons I wanted to be a doula. I really believe childbirth is one of the times in life we need to look around us and really seriously evaluate how much immediate support we have, and if we don’t have enough (you need more than you think!) to reach out to secure that support via a doula, a postpartum doula, and the vast network and resources they are part of.
I have always enjoyed being a “helper” and being a doula in addition to being a birth photographer gives me that ability to be able to help and guide as well. For years as a photojournalist I was not (ethically) allowed to be involved in any story I was documenting. It was hard. I quickly realized the birth space is one of those places I could not walk in and out of without feeling confident in my ability to help as well. Even when I am only hired as a birth photographer, I will still be watching out for you, getting you sips of water or snacks, if/when needed. I know every birth is different and challenging in its own way. I hope to help others navigate their experience before, during, and after as they settle into a new life together.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope this helps you understand why and how I came to birth work!
If you’d like to chat more about hiring me as your birth photographer or doula, don’t hesitate to reach out for a free chat. Contact me here.